i don't really plan on making sad posts a common thing, but this one is going to be one. well, maybe not sad per se but a bit of a downer. this is an open letter to jeanna, a close friend/sister that i lost back in march. i still don't think i've fully come to grasp that i won't see her again, even months later. i miss you jean jean. lately you've been on my mind more and more and i felt compelled to write all of this down.
to understand how close we are (i don't think i'll ever be able to use the past tense), i've known her since i was 12 and she was my best friend's sister so basically my sister. the entire brown family is my family. i send mother and father's day cards to them and always stop in during the holidays even if it's only for a little while.
i got a call while i was in nashville on march 9th, jeanna had her baby boy cameron! i was excited for her and even more excited that i already had a trip to town planned for that weekend so i'd be able to visit her. on the way back from nashville on friday i got the call...jean jean had passed away from an aneurysm thursday night. my sister had died giving birth to a child she wanted more than anything.
dear jean jean,
i miss you, i miss not being able to tell you about my life and what's going on. i miss the advice and the encouragement you always gave me. you'd be happy to know that i've met an amazing girl that makes me really happy. you always worried about me finding someone because of how unhealthy my past couple of relationships were but no worries here. i think you'd have liked her a lot, more than just the fact that she makes me visibly happier but you two could have bonded over your love of dogs and corny jokes. we re-connected (we've known each other for a while) the friday after your funeral, so i like to think that was maybe your last little gift for me.
i'm finally making the necessary preparations to move back to charlotte, like you always asked EVERY TIME we talked haha. haven't been able to find a job yet but it's still really early in the process. i'll be excited to be back up in nc and closer to mere, ml and mark and hopefully be able to stop in and see cameron from time to time. mere puts up a lot of pictures on facebook and he looks a lot like you, definitely has your temperament...all smiles, all the time.
mark and i are still talking a lot, i'm trying to keep him in some resemblance of order but he misses you tons. the starting line are officially back together so hopefully that means he'll be going back on the road doing what he loves again soon. the week of your funeral, i didn't leave his side, i tried to be strong for him, as best as i could. we talked a lot about the beach trip back in july and i'm so glad i got to come up for a couple days. we laughed for a good while about how long and to the extent you went to find me those cheerwine donuts...that i could barely even eat haha.
i'm glad our last conversation centered around how great of a mother you were going to be to cameron and for those 8 hours, you were the greatest mother he'll ever know. i miss you, a lot. a lot more than i'll ever admit out loud i guess but here, hiding behind the internet and a keyboard, i can say it. you know me...too stubborn to admit weakness, even when it's not really a weakness.
this was our last picture together. no idea why i'm the center of it (it was your wedding haha) but even from only seeing the side of your face, i know you're smiling. i love and miss you jean jean.
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